MH ALEF 2nd SESSION HATZAGAH 1995

AN ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY BY:

AMANDA DANGLER AND MARC NATHAN

ORDER OF SCENES

I. ASEPHA: OPENING & INTRO BY ERAN

II. LATE SHOW WITH DAVE LETTERMAN

A. MONOLOGUE

B. STUPID ATID TRICKS

C. ORaNIT IMPERSANATION- ISRAELI DANCE

D. THE TOP TEN

III. GOLD BOND INFOMERCIAL

IV. MT KITCHEN SKIT

V. STUDS

VI. LUMBERJACK SONG

VII. MH VIDEO

VIII. A DITTY ABOUT MH

VIIII. MOOSHY ENDING\CLOSING

A. DIALOGUE

B. CLOSING SONGS

C. HATIKVAH ??

Announcer: Live from the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City, the only place where you can buy a gun from a hot dog stand, it's The Late Show with David Letterman. Tonite: a visit from Joel Pitkowsky; Mr. Rogers; the MH Choir and Dancers; and Elijah the Profit will be stopping in to show everyone how to break into the kitchen without being seen. With Paul Schaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, ladies, the man who puts the "Ha" in "Ha Va Nagela," David Letterman.

Dave: (Waves, bows, etc.) Hi kids, my name is Bootros Butros Gali, and I'm here for your viewing pleasure. We have a great show lined up for you. I even got a new pair of pants for the occasion. Paul, how was your ride up here?

Paul: Pretty good, how about yours?

Dave: Not bad. Hooooo, do I have a story for you.

Paul: Such as?

Dave: Keep your pants on, I was just getting to it. For starters, I nearly got lost in the thriving metropolis of Port Jervis. Then, some guy honked at me while I was driving straight on Snake Road. You'd think those double yellow lines were important or something. And then, once I arrived in camp, I noticed the 5 mph sign, but I thought to myself, "There's no way that this is enforced." Before I knew it, there was a Connecticut state trooper behind me with his lights on.

Paul: What did he clock you at?

Dave : 8. I should be in jail, but luckily, he took bribes. I slipped the poor, deprived guy a ham sandwich and he left me alone. So Paul, I read in the paper yesterday that Motorola walkie-talkies are now considered a leading cause of brain damage.

Paul: No kidding?

Dave: I kid you not. Nope, absolutely serious. I guess that can explain why we had a fire drill in the middle of a lightning storm. "In case of emergency, everyone walk calmly out of the Chadar O'chel and make nice, straight lines." Yeah, right. If the kitchen catches on fire, you bet your ass I'm gonna run screaming from the building. There's a rumor going around camp that Joel is actually the son of Mr. Rogers. (Paul plays "It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.")

Paul: Are you serious?

Dave: I kid you not! Check out the video tape for yourself. (Skit: one half of stage show Mr. Rogers: carpet, sweater and dorky sneakers and group of kids around him; other half someone dressed like Joel and giving announcements.)

(Mr. Rogers and Joel dialogue to come.)

Paul: That's true; all Joel is missing a Cardigan.

Dave: TY, I have a question for you: what's the deal with all this line dancing? How about a circle? Hell, even give me a parallelogram. You awesome, I love you, you awesome, make a rectangle. What, they don't teach geometry in Israel? Speaking of oldies but goodies, old songs are good but isn't it bad when the shira guy has been here longer than Stu Stein?

Paul: How many years has Stu been at camp?

Dave: Let's just say there was Stu, there was Bet, and there was the 60's. Who's he kidding? Working for one week at Comedy Central does not make him a professional comedian. He was the guy that brought the executives their lunch every afternoon. Not that he plans on giving up that hat any time soon. It hides his haircut. (Starts to do Kan for a few seconds, mumbling.)

Speaking of food, lets bring on the beerkaat! Have you ever seen a bunch of chuckwagons in such a rush to pray after their meal? But seriously, birkat is not a joke. I have a serious Chalahic question. If Geoffrey Dallmer was Jewish, what prayer would he say for an arm or leg? And does it matter if he eats bread with it? Forget about bringing on birkat, let's bring on mouth of the wench. Mench. Whatever they call it. Alumim Bet with mouth of the mench. Can you say "oxymoron"? Can you say, "a bunch of morons?" Perhaps even worse, rust of the wrench. Future Plumbing Leaders of America. All I have to say is: "get a life."

News flash: Jerusalem 3000 years old. And if you put Americans in the Caravan, you get the same cheesy show but at least now you can understand half of what they're saying.

(Dave does "Ha Va Nageela" dance while singing.) See, Oranit? There's a circle dance.

I'd like to learn you a new word; I'd like to learn you a new language. It's called "English;" try it some time. Every time I hear my name on the rom kol, I can't tell if they want me to dial zero or launch the missiles. Maybe before we have Hebrew for an hour a day, they should be required to speak English. In case I ever go to Israel, I can now say, "Help, my bunk is on fire. Where can I get a sandwich?" (Paul plays the "Head, shoulders, knees, and toes" music while Dave does the dance for 5 seconds while mumbling in Hebrew.) The only reason to learn Hebrew these days is to find out what the Israelis are plotting behind my back.

Important safety tip: in case of a lighting storm, don't touch your beds, pick up a phone, or congregate on a field in rows. Thank you for your cooperation.

So, being on National is not enough, you have to give out free food. Although, if you look at the National Mozkiters it makes perfect sense. Mickey, Minnie, Ash, Licker... Licker? Is that her real name or just a cute nickname? I mean really. Do you think they could get girls on their own? "Hi, wanna go with me to the banquet?" 'Only if you give me a Chipwhich.' And what's with this Yom Tuna day? Maybe I don't like tuna; how about Yom Egg Salad? And what's with these cheers? Look at Gesher Shalom; we cheer that we have Amy Fisher. I don't understand this; I don't hear anyone cheering that they have Son of Sam. Look at New Jersey. They win in one sport and we never get to hear the end of it.Yay Jersey, got pollution, 12 billion people and they can't get a friggin' Mazkirut. And I love those regions with ten states in them. It's the only way they could get a club together. Good luck getting to the regional office. And thumbs up to the New York City region. In an effort to show everyone what they do at meetings, they mugged TOL. Yeee-haw!

Rule #27: No smoking cigarettes at camp. (Dave lights up a cigar.)

Michelle Vernon plans on announcing a change in the MT program. The program will no longer be called MT; its new name will be NMTD: Not Much To Do. Hey, for 33 cents an hour, you can get your own peanut butter and jelly. MT. Know what that stands for? "I couldn't get a job at the Ground Round weighing kids to see how much they have to pay to get in because minimum wage is just too much for me to handle at this stage in my life." The only reason we have them is because they're cheaper than hiring Mexicans.

Folks I have to pay my salary, so let's pause for a commercial break.

Insert Dance Skit HERE -->

Dave: Folks, welcome back. Ladies and gentlemen, in a constant effort to improve our little show of ours, we are proud to introduce to you: Stupid Atid Tricks. Please help me welcome out the first idiot, i mean guest, Noah Leveine. Noah's going to do a full split for us this evening. Men, I must warn you that this might be painful to watch. (Noah does his thing). Nice to know when a man can spread legs.

Ok, it's time to move on to the next act. Ellyse is going to do tricks with her hands. (Ellyse does her thing. Dave falls asleep)

Paul: Dave! Dave! Wake up, the act's over!!

Dave: Huh? What? I thought it was another power outage. Kids, Yoav and Mike are going to sing us a song. How lovely. Yoav Fisher and Mike Raven. (They do their song.) Is it me, or are these acts getting worse.

Paul: No it's not you; they are getting worse!

Dave: Here's Marla with a Chucky Cheese dance. (She does her act.) Well, I'll say this much: it was definitely cheesy. Folks, no need to worry; only one more act of stupidity left. Okay Mike. (He does his little thing.) Folks that's enough stupidity for now, let's pause for a break. (Dave pauses.) Ok, we're back.

Ah, let's see here. Tomorrow on the show, we're having a guest appearance from God. He sure does have a lot of explaining to do. Tasted the food lately? Eight years of birkat and it isn't getting any better. I know he's ordering out from Roy's. Also on the program, my mom will be stopping by for a little while. It was either her or hear Stu's act again. Six times on the show and he still has nothing new to say.

Folks, I have in my right hand a copy of tonite's Top 10 List. Here we go... (Top 10 music plays.) Ah... The category tonite, from the home office in Grand Rapids, Michigan:

Top 10: Reasons to be in MH - Aleph Second Session 1995

10: Really clean shower houses.
9: Between optional breakfast and painting the dumpster, you can pretty much sleep 'till noon.
8: You get to see Marc Nathan 24/7.
7: Bunks don't drop below 30š at nite.
6: Nook-free nites. (Actually, for some people, that's every nite.)
5: Michelle is afraid to go past the Israeli Café.
4: Three words: All-nite Asepha Parties.
3: If you don't clean the kitchen, you don't have to cook in there, either.
2: You can burn anything you want in the fire as long as you pay $3.50.
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1: Beats being an MT.

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(1)-Girl

(2)-Girl

(3)-Girl

(4)-Guy

(5)-Guy

H- Welcome to another edition of STUDS. The only game show where we take three beautiful ladies and two handsome men and send them on dates. Then we invite them back to studio to hear about what happened. Let's meet our contestants. From Eugene, Oregon comes 17 yr. old (1)________ where she is a secreterial assistant. Next we have 17 yr. old (2)____________ who is here from Queens, NY she is currently a lifeguard at the local JCC. And finally last but not least from Westchester County, NY 17 yr. old (3)______________ where she is a professional lacrosse player. Now it's time to meet our hot hunks for the night, first we have (4)______ from Michigan where he is a cashier

at the local canteen and (5)____________also from Michigan waiter at Le Chadar Ochel.

H- Ladies if I may say so you are looking lovely as usual

Ladies- Thank you

H-Lets get to it, so Mitch did things run pretty smoothly on your dates?

(4)- I had fun on all of them and all three are really cool to be with.

H- Well here's what the ladies had to say.

One of them said:

- We talked a lot about...HIM

Another one said:

- His hands are as soft as a baby's butt

And the last one said:

-I don't need another father

H- So which one is first?

(4)- Well I'd have to go with, His hands are as soft as a baby's butt, and that would have to be (2)

H- Is that correct?

(2)- Yes it is

( Host hands 4 a heart )

H- TEll us why you said that (2)

(2)- Well when he picked me up from my tent he took my hands in his and said it's a pleasure to meet you and his hands were so soft

H- And where did you go after that?

(2)- He took me to Le Chadar for dinner where we had falafel and Humas and sipped away at Kedem grape juice it was very romantic.

H-Did you have fun 4?

(4)- I had a great time. I think we hit it off real well, we became really good friends

H- How about the next one?

(4)- Well I'm going to have to go with, We talked a lot about...HIM.It would defiately have to be (3). I'll tell you why because I am doing this program at my summer camp called MH where you get to have your own community and do a lot of things that other groups don't get to do like write and lead your own peuhlot, cook your own meals, and pick the times you want to wake up and go to bed. It's really a lot of fun. I ended up talking about it all night and really didn't give (3) much of a chance to talk. What was your name again?

(4)-And the last one which says, I don't need another father, would have to be (1).

H- And why did you say that?

(1)-I said that because I told him things about my past, like how I stopped going to camp and he got really angry at me and told me I had to go back, just like a father would do. But other wise we got along great.

H- So (5) how did your dates go

(5)-They went pretty great

H- Well here's what the ladies had to say

The first one said:

-Let's just say he's a boy dressed in a man's suit

The next one said:

-I took one look into his eyes and

And the last one said:

-He had a butt like two ripe peaches, firm but sqooshy

(5)Let's go with, Let's just say he's a boy dressed in a man's suit, and that would have to be (1)

H-Why?