MT Oneg - The Unoriginal Oneg Where The Tsevet Is Roasted By Parodies Of TV Shows
Written by a whole sheeetload of participants of Machaneh T'micha who, for personal yet obvious reasons, don't want to take credit for their work. So, we're saying it was written by two comic geniuses with impressive writing, typing, and spelling skills: Ian Isanberg and Jonathan Weiss. They take full responsibility for this oneg so their co-writers won't be embarrassed by the laughter of the critics and the banning of further MT onegs by Larry . Registered Property of The Party Machine! of Phoenix, AZ. All rights reserved, but who wants 'em?

Larry I'm sorry to have to interrupt this oneg, but due to time restraints, we're going to have to go on double camp time for the remaining portion of the session. That means that instead of it now being (looks at watch) <time> it is now <time minus 1 hour>. (Continues as Dan and Eshai carry him off stage) Now I know that this is going to cause a lot of problems in your daily schedules, but think of the time and money we'll save. You can now make phone calls after 10 when it's only 8 o'clock. You can watch your favorite shows two hours early. You can go to happy hour at the gay bar across the street at four o'clock...

(Late Show enters)

Late Night, I mean Late Show With David Letterfurman

Seth Welcome to the program. Since this is the abbreviated, although still longer than the Tsofim Hatsagah Version, for The Unoriginal Oneg Where The Tsevet Is Roasted By Parodies Of TV Shows, we will skip to the top 10 sent to us by the program office in the Staff House. Tonight, we have the top 10 reasons why you came to watch our Oneg.

10. Because we put oil on the floor of the Beit-Am so you couldn't play basketball.
9. You want to see a hatsagah last more than five minutes (cough) Tsofim (cough).
8. Jeremy is not hosting.
7. You thought it was a party to celebrate the cat coming down.
6. Because you like us..... Well.
5. You didn't want to be alone in case the power goes out again.
4. You made a wrong turn at the soda machine and don't want to admit you still can't find your way around the staff house.
3. You are expecting MT to reveal the Ram Kol number.
2. You were told that there will be refreshments after the Oneg.
And the number 1 reason to watch our oneg is (drumroll) it sure beats being MT's shmira!
(Editor's note: Seth added the "You can't get enough of Noah Levine" line as the oneg was performed)

(Enter Joe A and Joe B)

Joes Hi we're Joe.

Joe A And we understand that The Unoriginal Oneg Where The Tsevet Is Roasted By Parodies Of TV Shows has been done many times before so the format is extremely predictable.

Joe B ...which means you know that we're going to change the channel.

Joe A Let's watch Quantum Leap.

Joe B But it's been cancelled.

Joe A Damn! I loved that show!

Joe B Me too. You know, I leaped once.

Joe A Really?

Joe B Yeah, I leaped into a male stripper in Detroit.

Joe A That wasn't a leap! That was too many drinks at Passover!

(Paul and Geezer run across the stage in boxers)

Joe B Who was that? MH Bet?

Joe A No, they were too overdressed to be in MH... Quick, change the channel before Reasonable Doubts comes on...

90210

(Scene 1, Walsh's house)

Brandon Hey guys, I just got us all jobs for the summer.

Kelly Jobs, Brandon? You know that I don't do jobs.

Dylan Yeah, man, I was just gonna surf for the summer.

Brenda Brandon, I could get my own jobs without your help.

Brandon But guys, we would be working at a summer camp, Camp Young Judaea (mispronounced) Sprout Lake , and we wouldn't even have to work with the kids .

Andrea Brandon, that's the coolest camp in NYS. How did you get us jobs there?

Brandon It's simple, we go there to work as staff for a couple of hours a day and then we party with the rest of the staff who work full time .

Donna Sprout Lake sounds beautiful. I'm in.

David Definately!

Gang Yea man

(Scene 2, on plane)

Donna I'm so excited .

David Well shut up, Donna.

Brenda So, Brandon, what kind of jobs are we going to get?

Brandon Let's see... kitchen, maintenance, babysitting, office staff, an nurse's aid. It's a staff program called MT.

Pilot Welcome to NY. We will shortly be landing. Thank you for flying Continental.

(Scene 3, at Sprout)

Donna I'm so excited, guys!

David Shut up, Donna.

Jeremy (walks over) Hi, I'm Jeremy Newberger, and you must be our new Machaneh T'micha! I'm your Sgan Merakez . Very nice to meet cha

Brenda Sgan... (mispronounced) what?

Jeremy Your assistant unit leader for the summer.

Brandon Unit leader? See, you don't understand... We're not campers, we're workers.

Jeremy No, man, you're not here to work, you're here to have fun. Now let's assign your jobs... Donna: babysitter. Kelly: kitchen. Andrea: kitchen. Brenda: kitchen. Brandon: maintenance. Dylan: maintenance. David: maintenance. Steve: kitchen.

Kelly Wait! What happened to office staff?

Donna And nurse's aid.

Jeremy There's too much secrecy in the office.

Merryl In other words, they don't trust you.

Steve Who the hell are you?

Merryl I'm Merryl, your counselor.

Brenda Brandon, we have counselors?

Jeremy Yea man you need some sort of discipline

Caren Hi, I'm Caren, your merakezet/ unit leader .

Brandon What the hell is wrong with you people we work for this camp and party that's all .

Caren MT is a leadership training program. You are not campers, or staff. You are participants.

(End 90210, reenter Joes)

Joe A This stuff is really bothering me.

Joe B Yeah. What are MT supposed to be anyway?

Joe A I'm bored, Joe.

Joe B I'm bored, too, Joe!

Joe A Why don't we watch a game show, Joe!

Joe B What a great idea, Joe!

(Joes leave Stupidity! enters)

Stupidity! (parody of Jeopardy!)

Bob (announcer) This... is... Stupidity! First! She steals cheers from former campers who wrote them in Bogrim! Commander of the Kesher Army, Alison Gabel! Next! From Florida, traveling rikkud specialist, Yossi Yeladisco! And finally, from Who-really-cares-where, Noah Levine! Now here's the host of Stupidity!, Jason Parker! (applause)

Jason Welcome to Stupidity! Here are the rules: you must be stupid to win. Basically, you three should have no trouble. Now Bob, give me the categories!

Bob Thanks, Jason. The categories are "Camp Cheers", "Israeli Dances", "Tsevet", and "Doorknob", where the question must be given in the form of a funny joke, or else...

MT Doorknob!

Jason You forgot one, Bob: J-Fer, where all questions must include J-Fer. Since you won the coin toss, Yossi, you choose first.

Yossi I'll take Camp Cheers for 200.

Jason The answer is "Alison Gabel".

Noah Who stole the Yo-Ya cheer from former campers?

Jason Correct! Go ahead and pick, Noah.

Noah Israeli Dances for 300.

Jason Ok. The answer is "a song that has been dead for 20 years, but resurrected just for Sprout".

Yossi What is Yelladisco! (does dance, as if teaching it)

Jason Ok, Yossi, enough for now. Choose.

Yossi Tsevet for 300.

Jason The answer is "MT".

Yossi What are campers?

Jason No, I'm sorry. Next!

Noah What are staff?

Jason Yeah, you wish.

Alison Who goes to TY, and has fun, and comes to Sprout for a lot of grey area?

Jason Yes, that's correct. We would also have taken the popular Larry Hoffman answer "What are Machaneh T'micha?" or CIT's, if you want an English term... Let's go to a commercial break.

Bob We will return to Stupidity! as soon as... wait, camp time is messing me up!

Joe A Just

Joe B Like

Joe A Any

Joe B Oneg

Joe A With

Joe B TV

Joe A Shows,

Joe B There

Joe A Are

Joe B TV

Joe A Commercials!

Joe B Bye!

(Joes exit, all MT enters for Clapper Commercial)

We're MT (The Clapper)

All MT Staff On (stamp,stamp) Staff off (clap,clap) Staff on Staff off We're MT

Staff on! Maccabia!

Staff off! No Salary!

Staff on, staff off... we're MT.

Staff on ! Leading specialties!

Staff off! No day off!

Staff on, staff off... we're MT.

Staff off! The Tsevet Moadon!

Staff off! MT curfew!

Staff off, staff off... we're MT.

Staff off! (clap, clap) Staff off! (stamp, stamp) Staff off, staff off... we're MT.

(MT exits, Joes enter)

Joe B If that stupid "I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial comes on...

Joe A Hey Joe, I like this show.

Joe B Yeah, that Jason Parker guy seems to know a lot about stupidity...

Joe A Let's go back to the show!

Joe B Bye!

(Joes leave, Stupidity! continues)

Bob Once again, here's the king of Stupidity!, Jason Parker!

Jason Welcome back to Stupidity! Where stupidity is the key of... stupidity. Alison, feeling stupid enough to go?

Alison Sure, I'll take Israeli Dances for 400.

Jason Chum Chum Chum This is the dance motion round. To buzz in the question, you must do the special motion. The answer is "a song that never needed a dance but now has one". (They all do the Rak B' Yisrael dance and directly buzz, Yossi makes it) Ok, Yossi.

Yossi What is Rak B' Yisrael?

Jason Correct! Go again.

Yossi I'll take Tsevet for 200.

Jason OK, the answer is "the Tsevet moadon".

Noah What's a really cool place for MT to buy sodas and watch movies in the middle of the night?

Jason What planet are you on?

Alison What room in the staff house looks like sheeet because we destroyed it?

Jason (To Alison) Shhh! They're not supposed to know that!

Yossi What is the only room in the staff house that is restricted due to its exclusive ping-pong table?

Jason Ok, Larry said that answer is OK... Nice try Alison, you almost got on the board. I think you should get a pity topic choice...

Alison I'll take J-Fer for 100.

Jason The answer is "a good Knicks trade".

Noah What is Mattingly for LT?

Jason What sport are you watching? Can anyone get it? (buzzer) You don't understand this category, do you? The question should be "what is B J-Fer Oakley?" Noah, think J-Fer. Go again.

Noah I'll choose my specialty, Doorknob for 500. (buzzer)

Jason I'm sorry, but our time is up, It's now time for Final Stupidity! The category is "Rom Kol Pages" You have 15 seconds to place your bets. (MT hums music while Paul and Geezer soak contestants with Super Soakers) Ok, the answer is "The person who has been paged more times this session than any other person". You now have 30 seconds to come up with a question. Go! (Humming continues, Alison looks over Yossi's shoulder) Ok, that means time's up. We'll start with you, Noah.

Noah Who are Paul, Geezer, and Jonas?

Jason No, I said announced, dipstick, not announcing. Alison?

Alison Who is Ken?

Jason Survey says... (Appropriate beeping sound that has no name) Yossi?

Yossi Who is Ken Knapp?

Jason Correct! Finally, somebody smart enough to give me a decent answer... Ok Bob, who won?

Bob Well, here's the big shocker, Jason. Everyone's a winner in Young Judaea! Know why? Because they all get nothing! That's Stupidity! Join us next time with our special guest host, Benji Lange!

(Stupidity! sketch exits, Joes enter)

Joe B Damn! I really thought Alison was going to win...

Joe A Me too. What's on next?

Joe B Let's see... (grabs TV GUIDE, begins to flip through) Seen it. Seen it. Saw it yesterday. Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Watching it tomorrow. Seen it. Cancelled. Cancelled. Cancelled cancelled cancelled cancelled cancelled cancelled rerun.

Joe A (Looking over Joe B's shoulder) And I've seen that one anyway... There must be something on... What's on HBO?

Joe B What does this look like, the Infirmary?

Joe A Let's watch Oprah. I want to see what size she is this week...

Joe B I'm sorry, but I'm not in the mood for a tabloid talk show. So let's skip Oprah. Last time I saw her, she lookes like a float in the Macy*s Parade.

(Paul and Geezer bring a can of aerosol and lighter and fight over who holds the lighter. They end up walking away because they can't decide they all leave, as the next show enters)

Kate Achshevoo achshevoonah Chofesh is now over go to the deli Chofesh is now over go to the deli Chofesh is now over it really isn't Chofesh is now over Maccabia! Chofesh is now over this announcement is getting boring Chofesh is now over. Thank you.
(Editor's Note: The controversial "Show's on in the nature shack" line was added by Kate at the last minute during the oneg's performance on Friday, August 13, 1993)

Joe A Obviously, since The Unoriginal Oneg Where The Tsevet Is Roasted By Parodies Of TV Shows is being done by MT, there definitely has to be a sketch about the great Sprout Lake kitchen, so I'm changing the channel.

Joe B Bye!

Kitchen Wars --Jimmy Strikes Back

(Lee is sitting around, talking to the MT girls. Tally is sitting around, basically doing nothing, as usual. Nate is singing "Pots of Gold" while clutching a bottle of Gatorade. He is wearing a tank top with lots of chest/body hair being shown).

Jimmy Lee, why are you standing there? Go to work, or I'll tear you're balls off. Elly, stop sleeping and go wash some pots. (Marathon theme, with Elly washing pots/doing dishes really slowly to fit the theme of the music)

Nate (All of Nate's lines are said in an operatic manner) Tally, get off your lazy ass and do some work.

(Tally whines, bitches, and moans. Lee is still hanging around)

Kate Achshevoo, achshevoonah. Ken Napp, please dial zero. Ken, please dial zero.

Jimmy Lee, I thought I told you to start working. Put this bread away, or I'll shove the whole loaf, with my hand still attached, up your ass.

Lee Ok, ok, I'll get to work. (All but Nate exit. Alex and Horehay enter)

Nate (slowly) Alex, Horehay, can you please get the cucumber salad from the dairy fridge, put it into 80 ounce bowls and do other stuff to waste time, and also make cooooooookies! (Nate leaves)

Alex (In an American accent) Hey Horehay, why do they always speak slowly to us?

Horehay Yeah, Alex, who do they think we are, 2 Mexicans who don't speak English? (in the background, we see Paul and Geezer "peeing" into a pot filled with "juice" labeled BUG JUICE.) ( Exit Alex and Horehay.) ( Enter Lee, Nate, and Jimmy)

Lee I'm thirsty. Why don't we have some Coke.

Jimmy Lee, you idiot, you know that Staff can't have the soda from Visiting day, it belongs to Young Judaea, and Larry could fire us all and cost Young Judaea a lot of money.

Lee Ok, I'll have some bug juice (Drinks bug juice. Exit Lee. Enter Maitnence Staff)

Nate Ok Jimmy, lets break out the sodas! (Take sodas, and drink them)

Mike Wait Nate, what about the Gatorade?

Nate (talking) Don't tell anyone, but the Gatorade is just for show. In fact, it really isn't Gatorade, but water that is colored red, just like bug juice.

Ken (other one) So why do you carry it arond?

Nate (singing again) It's just cool!

Kate Achshevoo, achshevoonah, Ken Knap please dial zero, the staff moadon is infested by rats. Ken, please dial zero.

Ken Knapp F*** it, do they actually care.

Jimmy Ok. Stop this break. Let's get back to work.

(Skit is over, Joes re-enter)

Joe A Ok, I get the point. The kitchen is just really cool.

Joe B Yeah, I think this has been enough TV for tonight.

Joe A There is just one thing missing from The Unoriginal Oneg Where The Tsevet Is Roasted By Parodies Of TV Shows. Definatley the cheesy song to end this show. So why don't we do it ?

Joe B Why don't we do it? Bye!

(MT does the cheesy song finalie. The End)

For your very own personalized, autographed copy of The Unoriginal Oneg Where The Tsevet Is Roasted By Parodies Of TV Shows, send all your money to: MT Yom Kef Fund, c/o CYJSL PO Box 95 Verbank, NY 12585. Cash, check, money order, or physical bribery is acceptable. Live long and party hard.